That's all there is to life really!Here, the words ‘love me’ refer to an unconditional kind of love such as a mother would have for her newborn baby. It implies an unconditional acceptance of another person just as they are. For me, the best definition around that is that ‘love is a space’ in which all of the emotions are free to exist. So one’s capacity for love can be equated with how much space one can make for others to be just as they are. Yet this is not a passive thing – it's not the same as being uninvolved – it is an active, creative, and often stretching thing. So ‘love me’ means ‘create a space inside of you, in which I am okay just as I am’. It's really only in such a space that you can ever get to ‘know me’. For if it is not okay for me to be ‘just me’ in your presence then I will have to maintain defences or bury parts of me that you might not consider to be okay.
But ‘know me’ has its traps as well. When we have lived with, or near, someone for many years it is easy to presume that we ‘know’ them because of their habits and predictability. Yet in this world all living things are either growing or dying. When we die we certainly stop growing, but perhaps it's when we stop growing that we start to die? So do we ‘know’ the person in the assumption that they are static? Or do we ‘know’ them in the assumption that they are a ‘human becoming’ who may have plateaued or gotten lost or be struggling in some areas? So, to ‘know me’ means to know where I'm going, to know my dreams and aspirations, to know my struggles and current challenges. And when we can truly appreciate that in someone else, it helps to create an even bigger space – a bigger capacity for love – inside of us.
‘Grow me’ is of special importance because it allows that I can always fulfil more of my innate potential. Parents so often project their own unfulfilled dreams onto their unsuspecting children. Then they fall into the trap of thinking they know best how their children should develop. But as poet Kahlil Gibran so beautifully put it, “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself...” Your children will never be ‘like’ you or see the world the same way you do – they are separate, unique individuals with lessons different from yours.
If God gives you a rose bush the best you can do is create a good environment for a rose bush. If you harbour a desire of parenting an oak tree, then your efforts to selfishly make that real for you can only lead to disappointment and conflict and damage. So ‘grow me’ requires that first you ‘know me’ and thus have some awareness of just what it is that you are growing. If you are ever to truly ‘know me’ then you must first ‘love me’ and thereby make the space in which that can happen.
Perhaps we can apply that to small children, but what about teenagers and young adults? How can you ‘know me’ when I don't even know myself yet? And it seems to be the mission of every child to find and explore the limits of their parents. We need to understand that ‘loving them’ means making that space – not necessarily accepting their behaviour. For example, if you know that someone is struggling with the challenges of personal responsibility – often evidenced by a total refusal to take any – then there are active steps in terms of ‘grow me’ that can be set at an appropriate level for the learner. But if, as the adult, you are still struggling with your own issues of power and control then it is quite likely you will find it very difficult to make the space for that person to be themselves – and without that space, they will only be able to equate ‘responsibility’ with ‘obedience’. So they may only be able to learn that lesson well away from ‘your space’.
Okay, but children aside, can we apply this to other adults in general? And anyway it's not my job to grow someone else! That's certainly true and handing out gratuitous advice is unlikely to win many friends, but that's not how it works. Have you ever wondered why you were attracted to the people with whom you have long-term relationships? In every case there will be some aspect of their personality that they express overtly, which reflects some shadow aspect of our own personality. In other words, they hold up in front of you, just by being themselves, something that you need to learn about yourself. Initially we find that attractive – too often we finish up tolerating it or suffering through in spite of it! So, provided that people in close relationships can ‘make the space’ and get to genuinely ‘know’ one another, then ‘grow me’ becomes a mutually supportive exercise. But without the ‘space’ or the ‘know me’, it becomes a mutually interlocking racket from which neither party benefits.
Okay, but what about work – am I supposed to ‘love’ everyone I work with? In one way or another we do ‘make the space’ for most of them anyway. And we generally work near others in similar positions to ours, and therefore share at least some similar personality traits. So more often than not it's people in that ‘other department’ that are the real problem! And sometimes ‘grow me’ may actually mean that ‘fire me’ is the best option. Remember that this is an active, creative process – not conflict avoidance.
Exactly the same three-step process applies. If I can ‘make a space’ big enough for someone to genuinely be themselves, and I can genuinely get to ‘know’ them, then ‘grow me’ becomes a mutually supportive exercise that benefits not only me as a person, but also my colleagues, my team, my customers, my suppliers and my organisation. But this is not about baring one's soul or being passive when strong action is called for. ‘Love me, know me, grow me’ is simply the three step process of creating trust – and it’s the subsequent ‘reasonable assurance’ of a relationship future that forms the whole basis of modern society, and determines our own personal success and fulfilment within it.
So how big do you want to become?
Your VitallyMe Report will show you how to further develop your ability to apply the ‘love me, know me, grow me’ process to those aspects of your life that matter most to you.
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