There is an old joke that goes “How do you get all the rats to leave New York?” The answer is “Ask them for a commitment!” The deeper implication that makes it funny is the all too common experience that some people want a relationship commitment, while those who might make that happen for them, are often less than enthusiastic. I'm sure that for many people there are real fears around making a commitment. But I also wonder how many people, who haven’t felt that fear, have actually thought through what a commitment actually means to them, even when they do willingly make one. Perhaps the ‘rats’ are more aware!
Did you commit to ‘love, honour and obey’ in your relationship? Love and honour sound okay at first glance, but I choke up on ‘obey’, which implies some kind of master/slave arrangement. And to try to ‘obey’ each other implies many difficult-to-resolve situations. If one only commits to love and honour, then just what does that mean in reality? Does it mean, to say ‘I love you’ every day? Does it mean to feel loving towards that other person every day? Does it mean to put up with someone else’s stuff forever?
Defining commitment
So is commitment an emotional thing? That is, I will be faithful to you emotionally; or I will only be emotional with you; or I will always let you know what I'm feeling; or I will always accept your emotional expressions?
Or is commitment a physical thing? That is, I will commit to meet my share of the expenses; or I will deliver hugs on demand; or I will do my share of housework; or I will be exclusive in my sexual expression and other displays of affection?
Or is it a mental thing? That is, more like a business arrangement; or rules of engagement; or a legal agreement where we spell out terms and conditions and consequences in advance?
Or perhaps it's a spiritual thing? That is, I commit to a relationship with your higher self (whoever that is); or I will share common spiritual beliefs with you; or I’ll be your soul mate; or we’ll meditate together?
Or perhaps commitment for you is some combination of all of the above? So is it about raising a family, establishing mutual security, saving money, having fun, making investments, or about some sharing of common interests? Of course we can pick and choose and negotiate on all of the above – but did you ever actually do that consciously?
Revisiting assumptions
What assumptions do you make about your partner holding the same definition of commitment as you do? Have you ever spelled out the details of your expectation of a committed relationship? What are your specific needs that you expect your partner (actual or envisioned) to meet? And does that make a committed relationship into some kind of closed deal rather than an open exploration?
People and relationships grow and evolve – so when is it time to re-visit a commitment? Or is the implication ‘till death us do part’, even on commitments that were made in ignorance or naivety? What brings most people together in the first place is probably life's longing to renew itself – a force of nature in which they are totally swept up. That’s certainly valid, but it only requires a medium-term focus – so why not just enjoy the rush while it lasts and skip the commitment drama?
It seems to me that if you don’t know why you are there, then that blurring of purpose will guarantee that the spirit that brought you together in the first place will disperse and fade away. So, for a commitment to mean more than the pretty words, it needs to be preceded by the question “Why am I here (with this person)?”
Of course you love them, or they make you laugh, or they’re great in bed, or you make a good team – but in reality that could easily be true for you with many, many others. You probably love your parents; comedians make you laugh; hot chocolate is great in bed; and the local footy club makes a good team. So why this person?
A new beginning
My experience is that a meaningful life is one in which we grow towards some purpose bigger than who we are at any given time. Growing always brings growing pains, be they physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. Making a commitment is saying publicly that I will stick with it when the going gets tough – I will persevere to become that bigger person through whatever experiences may arise. The alternative is to keep seeking a world and other people who will adjust to suit you – good luck with that one!
So doesn’t it make sense that relationship (other than life’s longing to renew itself) is about creating a special space – perhaps even a sacred space – for each person to grow as an individual? For me that implies a kind of space that can’t be created by one person alone. Only a committed relationship offers that every day, for as long as it takes. So being in a committed relationship is paradoxically, a commitment to oneself.
A formula for renewal
The only thing we can really commit to in a relationship is to do our best to create that sacred space – and to use that space not to stay small or safe, but to become the best person we can become.
Here’s a formula for those ready to renew their relationship. Discuss and make notes on the following questions. To make it work, a commitment must be freely chosen – not as a burden – not as an obligation – not from habit or inertia – not as an escape from aloneness.
- What kind of space do you offer your partner in that regard?
- What kind of space does your partner offer you? (It will be different from yours.)
- What is that combined space about – describe it as an environment. How does it nurture your growth in ways that would not otherwise be possible?
- How will you use that over the next (say) year? Anniversaries are good reminders.
- Are you willing to commit yourself to that?
Now you know exactly what each of you is committing to in your relationship, and that should be in full alignment with each of your higher selves – whoever they may be! So with full eye contact and full awareness – say the words to each other…
I think I hear the patter of little feet. Perhaps it’s the rats returning to New York!
Your own VitallyMe Report will help you discover the quality of those ‘spaces’ that appear wherever you go. Read more…
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