Why Don't They Listen?

“But she just doesn't listen to anyone!  She is continually in broadcast mode!  I, on the other hand, try to listen – I really try to hear what she says – but hearing what she says doesn't mean I necessarily agree – I mean she changes her mind all the time!”

“Well you may be listening but you're clearly not hearing me! If you were really hearing me then you would realise the stupidity of your position!”

“If I’ve told you once, I've told you 1000 times – are you deaf, dumb or stupid? Will you just shut up and do it!”

“Don't just stand there – say something!” “Yes, well it would be good if you would stop saying everything for just one moment and just stand there!”

“I thought we were having a conversation – I've been talking into silence for several minutes – now you say something!” “What do you want me to say?”

“We discussed this several months ago and you agreed to change your behaviour – has there been a sudden loss of memory on your part?” “I have no recollection of that agreement!”

Communication takes place on a number of levels – the words, the vocals, and the body language. So more often than not we are sending mixed messages, or tuning in to only one part of what is being communicated. And it follows that if we could get all of those levels communicating the same message then we would be broadcasting with much more power. But we could still be wrong!

Perhaps you’ve heard the lament, “If a man speaks words in the forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?”

Courses on communication talk about framing the message – creating a kind of package – sending it across the space and checking that it has been received and understood.  A logical framework for sure - but what if there's nobody home when the mailman arrives?  Some say it's all a matter of intention on the part of the sender and all about attention on the part of the receiver.  Again, it sounds good but you don't know my boss/partner/child/neighbour!  If the methodology of communication is so well-known, why do we have so many failures to communicate?

So I'm not going to give you any ‘10 tips for better communication’ as such.  That might help you play the game better, but what interests me is why we play the game in the first place.  So I'd like to offer some deeper insights that may help change the game.

When you sift it all down to the essence, regardless of the words and the methodology and the intention and the attention, there is really only one message at the grass roots level of everything we communicate – “This is me”.  Weird maybe, but in essence we can only communicate “who we are”.  The most common reply is also “This is me”, but the optimum reply is “Yes it is”. 

If there is a failure on that level, then we tend to add more power by whatever means we can – even if it has an effect opposite to what we desire. 

Why is it so important for us to get this essential message across and even more important for us to have it acknowledged?  The only truthful answer is that we don't feel confident about who we are in these circumstances.  In other words, I’m not confident of my own value here – so I need someone else to reassure me of that value.  By some quirk of nature, human beings seem to have a need to feel that they are of some value, especially to other human beings.  It's probably a design fault! 

So, for example, why would Qantas workers set out to deliberately cause pain and suffering among so many of the travelling public?  Could it be that they don't feel respected by Qantas management – record profits, records CEO salary, moving business overseas and shedding 1000 jobs?  Surely not – after all they’re only workers, not shareholders.

Could it be that all human communication failures stem from a little voice that says “I'm worth more than this!”  And if I don't get that acknowledged in kind then I’ll demand it in cash.

Perhaps we are all truly worthless!  Would that be so bad?  My guess is that it would be okay – so long as we were all equally worthless!  Basic self-esteem is established in the first couple of years of life, where some mothering-type person must have seen some intrinsic value in who we were.  The fact that most of us survived due to that person’s good graces evidences that.  But most of us remain vulnerable at that deep level – we have just learned different ways of protecting that vulnerability – and often the best defence is a good offence.

Next time you experience a communications failure, try to hear that little voice saying “I'm worth more than this!”  So if your boss just doesn't listen, then what he is saying is “I'm worth more than this!”  If your union calls a strike, then they’re saying “We’re worth more than this!”  If your partner calls the divorce lawyer she is saying “I'm worth more than this!”  If your child doesn't clean up his room he is saying “I'm worth more than this!”  Then consider your energetic response to those voices.  Does your evaluation of their worth grow larger or smaller?  And if you are in a position of power, will you narrow that sense of inequality in kind – or pay in cash?

One of the latest TED talks, by Richard Wilkinson, is about “How economic inequality harms societies”.  His research worldwide shows that social dysfunction of all types is up to ten times worse in countries with the highest income inequality, but is not directly related to the actual levels of income.   My take on it is that it’s the feelings of inequality stirred by seemingly unjustifiable economic differences that determine the degree of dysfunction. 

Perhaps what today’s level of global dysfunction is saying to us is “We’re all worth more than this!”

I've studied people quite intensively for many years and come to the conclusion that there is an almost perfect correlation between stupid people and people who don't agree with me.  Now why don’t they listen!

Your own VitallyMe Report can help you improve your "hearing"… www.vitallyme.com

Is Commitment a four letter word?

There is an old joke that goes “How do you get all the rats to leave New York?”  The answer is “Ask them for a commitment!”  The deeper implication that makes it funny is the all too common experience that some people want a relationship commitment, while those who might make that happen for them, are often less than enthusiastic.  I'm sure that for many people there are real fears around making a commitment.  But I also wonder how many people, who haven’t felt that fear, have actually thought through what a commitment actually means to them, even when they do willingly make one.  Perhaps the ‘rats’ are more aware!

Did you commit to ‘love, honour and obey’ in your relationship?  Love and honour sound okay at first glance, but I choke up on ‘obey’, which implies some kind of master/slave arrangement.  And to try to ‘obey’ each other implies many difficult-to-resolve situations.  If one only commits to love and honour, then just what does that mean in reality?  Does it mean, to say ‘I love you’ every day?  Does it mean to feel loving towards that other person every day?  Does it mean to put up with someone else’s stuff forever?

Defining commitment

So is commitment an emotional thing?  That is, I will be faithful to you emotionally; or I will only be emotional with you; or I will always let you know what I'm feeling; or I will always accept your emotional expressions?

Or is commitment a physical thing?  That is, I will commit to meet my share of the expenses; or I will deliver hugs on demand; or I will do my share of housework; or I will be exclusive in my sexual expression and other displays of affection?

Or is it a mental thing?  That is, more like a business arrangement; or rules of engagement; or a legal agreement where we spell out terms and conditions and consequences in advance?

Or perhaps it's a spiritual thing?  That is, I commit to a relationship with your higher self (whoever that is); or I will share common spiritual beliefs with you; or I’ll be your soul mate; or we’ll meditate together?

Or perhaps commitment for you is some combination of all of the above?  So is it about raising a family, establishing mutual security, saving money, having fun, making investments, or about some sharing of common interests?  Of course we can pick and choose and negotiate on all of the above – but did you ever actually do that consciously?

Revisiting assumptions

What assumptions do you make about your partner holding the same definition of commitment as you do?  Have you ever spelled out the details of your expectation of a committed relationship?  What are your specific needs that you expect your partner (actual or envisioned) to meet?  And does that make a committed relationship into some kind of closed deal rather than an open exploration?

People and relationships grow and evolve – so when is it time to re-visit a commitment?  Or is the implication ‘till death us do part’, even on commitments that were made in ignorance or naivety?  What brings most people together in the first place is probably life's longing to renew itself – a force of nature in which they are totally swept up.  That’s certainly valid, but it only requires a medium-term focus – so why not just enjoy the rush while it lasts and skip the commitment drama? 

It seems to me that if you don’t know why you are there, then that blurring of purpose will guarantee that the spirit that brought you together in the first place will disperse and fade away.  So, for a commitment to mean more than the pretty words, it needs to be preceded by the question “Why am I here (with this person)?”

Of course you love them, or they make you laugh, or they’re great in bed, or you make a good team – but in reality that could easily be true for you with many, many others.  You probably love your parents; comedians make you laugh; hot chocolate is great in bed; and the local footy club makes a good team.  So why this person?

A new beginning

My experience is that a meaningful life is one in which we grow towards some purpose bigger than who we are at any given time.  Growing always brings growing pains, be they physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual.  Making a commitment is saying publicly that I will stick with it when the going gets tough – I will persevere to become that bigger person through whatever experiences may arise.  The alternative is to keep seeking a world and other people who will adjust to suit you – good luck with that one!

So doesn’t it make sense that relationship (other than life’s longing to renew itself) is about creating a special space – perhaps even a sacred space – for each person to grow as an individual?  For me that implies a kind of space that can’t be created by one person alone.  Only a committed relationship offers that every day, for as long as it takes.  So being in a committed relationship is paradoxically, a commitment to oneself. 

A formula for renewal

The only thing we can really commit to in a relationship is to do our best to create that sacred space – and to use that space not to stay small or safe, but to become the best person we can become. 

Here’s a formula for those ready to renew their relationship.  Discuss and make notes on the following questions.  To make it work, a commitment must be freely chosen – not as a burden – not as an obligation – not from habit or inertia – not as an escape from aloneness.

• What kind of space do you offer your partner in that regard? 
• What kind of space does your partner offer you?  (It will be different from yours.)
• What is that combined space about – describe it as an environment.  How does it nurture your growth in ways that would not otherwise be possible?
• How will you use that over the next (say) year?  Anniversaries are good reminders.
• Are you willing to commit yourself to that?

Now you know exactly what each of you is committing to in your relationship, and that should be in full alignment with each of your higher selves – whoever they may be!  So with full eye contact and full awareness – say the words to each other…

I think I hear the patter of little feet.  Perhaps it’s the rats returning to New York!

Your own VitallyMe Report will help you discover the quality of those ‘spaces’ that appear wherever you go.  Read more…

Want to make real progress - give up on goals!

As a young and gullible manager I lapped up the goal-setting dogma that you too are probably familiar with – S.M.A.R.T. goals - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time- bounded (there are a number of variations on these words).  I mean, it seemed to make so much common sense at the time, so why question it?  And I certainly passed it on in many a training session.  

To all those to whom I passed on such glib, misleading but well-meaning advice, I humbly apologise.

People (well, managers at least) like to think that they set goals and achieve them – and thus make personal and corporate progress – meet the budget; reach the sales target; grow the business.  Perhaps you set personal goals too, especially around New Year – lose weight; get fit; save money; devote more time to…

When you set or accept a goal that you believe is important and work towards it – how does your motivation flow?  Sometimes procrastination automatically becomes the first priority?  Sometimes self-sabotage activities seem to mysteriously infiltrate your plans?  Sometimes circumstances change enough for that goal to quietly fade from the agenda?  Sometimes you get to ‘tick the box’, but then gradually slide back into the previous state?  If life was like a train rolling down a track then self-discipline would be the only quality that one needed to succeed.

What I have discovered (35 years later) is quite heretic – goals are NOT about achievement!  More importantly, there is a much better way to achieve real progress and outstanding corporate and personal results.  I wonder how many of Steve Jobs’ projects would have fitted the S.M.A.R.T. criteria?

S.M.A.R.T. goals are usually applied to what we should ‘do’ or to what we should ‘have’ – about actions and results.  What we ignore in that linear, mechanical view of the world is who we might ‘become’ in the process.  Now if you are a typical manager, please don’t switch of just yet!  I will attempt to get back to reality soon!  ‘Who we might become’ implies ‘change’ and ‘growth’ and that adds a much richer dimension to the simple linear intent of goals.  And in that dimension lies the source of the creative possibilities and innovation that Steve Jobs mastered so well.

Would you like to add that dimension to your personal or corporate life?  Here’s the higher truth…

It’s all about ‘change’ – and it’s only about ‘change’ – and within the change process there may well be markers or milestones – but for the purpose of realising this higher truth, let’s not call them goals.   And here’s the take-away diamond in all this – you!  It’s not what you achieve but who you become in the process that makes the real difference in the world.  And who you have the potential to become, is the person who would normally have the outcomes you seek as part of everyday life.  In other words the change ‘out there’ can only be sustained by the change ‘in here’.  So the question is ‘What do you want to change?’  And simultaneously the other side of the same coin is, ‘Who do you want to become?’  It’s the same question.  It’s easy at this point to balloon up to life purpose and all that, but it equally applies to meeting the budget, hitting the sales target or losing that weight.

Now, the value of S.M.A.R.T. is that it can get you clear on what you actually want to change and become.  It’s getting your mind and heart clear on what you really want, that ignites the engine of results.  So frankly I’d drop ‘Achievable’ and ‘Realistic’ completely, because they imply that you know not only what is achievable, but how it will be achieved.  If that is in fact true, then don’t bother setting the goal – just continue with the current well-worn process.  ‘Specific, Measureable and Time-bounded’ are good criteria for getting really clear – for objectifying ‘wants’ that usually start off as vague or fuzzy feelings.  Getting really clear doesn’t mean that you don’t have to take specific actions – but it allows that you can draw on all kinds of opportunities from the environment that you otherwise would not have noticed.

This is how life works anyway – whether we are aware of it or not.  From a totally speculative point of view, it seems to me that Steve Jobs heart’s desire (his passion) was to create something so unique and so special that it would be valued by the whole world.  I read that he was born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, dropped out of school, and was even fired from his own company in 1985 when he was a globally-recognised CEO.  His obituaries acknowledge that he well and truly fulfilled that heart’s desire.  His history may well reflect the source of that all-consuming passion.

Our higher truth here is that change is the only constant and we are all part of an environment over which we have little influence.  By getting really clear in heart and mind as to what we want to change ‘out there’ and simultaneously ‘in here’, we engage with the environment and fuse those two elements into one powerful force of nature.  ‘How’ is not your concern – the environment takes care of that, because it contains every ‘how’ that ever was – and then some!  Your concern is simply ‘What’.  Mind you, growing to embody that desired change will bring its challenges, and growing pains – but that’s what life is all about! 

So, here’s the key to real (holistic) progress at work, at home, in relationship, and in the world – write it out and keep it in view every day… “WHAT CHANGE DO I WANT TODAY?”

There is an egoic part in each of us that wants 'out there' to change, while 'in here' remains the same.  If the two are already in alignment then the opportunity to affect the change will arise smoothly - because you already 'are' that change.  If there is little or no alignment then the opportunities remain elusive and affecting the change remains a struggle.

If you find it’s a struggle to affect the change you want, then reflect on the internal shift required to match the external shift desired.  That reflection will highlight your internal resistance - something you are not willing to let go of - something that's keeping you small.

Now you're set for real progress!

Your VitallyMe Report identifies the triggers for your own typical 'external shift desired', and matches that to your own typical 'internal shift required'.  Much smarter than S.M.A.R.T.!

Love me - know me - grow me is not a call for help!

That's all there is to life really!

Here, the words ‘love me’ refer to an unconditional kind of love such as a mother would have for her newborn baby.  It implies an unconditional acceptance of another person just as they are.  For me, the best definition around that is that ‘love is a space’ in which all of the emotions are free to exist.  So one’s capacity for love can be equated with how much space one can make for others to be just as they are.  Yet this is not a passive thing – it's not the same as being uninvolved – it is an active, creative, and often stretching thing.  So ‘love me’ means ‘create a space inside of you, in which I am okay just as I am’.  It's really only in such a space that you can ever get to ‘know me’.  For if it is not okay for me to be ‘just me’ in your presence then I will have to maintain defences or bury parts of me that you might not consider to be okay. 

But ‘know me’ has its traps as well.  When we have lived with, or near, someone for many years it is easy to presume that we ‘know’ them because of their habits and predictability.  Yet in this world all living things are either growing or dying.  When we die we certainly stop growing, but perhaps it's when we stop growing that we start to die?  So do we ‘know’ the person in the assumption that they are static?  Or do we ‘know’ them in the assumption that they are a ‘human becoming’ who may have plateaued or gotten lost or be struggling in some areas?  So, to ‘know me’ means to know where I'm going, to know my dreams and aspirations, to know my struggles and current challenges.  And when we can truly appreciate that in someone else, it helps to create an even bigger space – a bigger capacity for love – inside of us.

‘Grow me’ is of special importance because it allows that I can always fulfil more of my innate potential.  Parents so often project their own unfulfilled dreams onto their unsuspecting children.  Then they fall into the trap of thinking they know best how their children should develop.  But as poet Kahlil Gibran so beautifully put it, “Your children are not your children.   They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself...”  Your children will never be ‘like’ you or see the world the same way you do – they are separate, unique individuals with lessons different from yours. 

If God gives you a rose bush the best you can do is create a good environment for a rose bush.  If you harbour a desire of parenting an oak tree, then your efforts to selfishly make that real for you can only lead to disappointment and conflict and damage.  So ‘grow me’ requires that first you ‘know me’ and thus have some awareness of just what it is that you are growing.  If you are ever to truly ‘know me’ then you must first ‘love me’ and thereby make the space in which that can happen.

Perhaps we can apply that to small children, but what about teenagers and young adults?  How can you ‘know me’ when I don't even know myself yet?  And it seems to be the mission of every child to find and explore the limits of their parents.  We need to understand that ‘loving them’ means making that space – not necessarily accepting their behaviour.  For example, if you know that someone is struggling with the challenges of personal responsibility – often evidenced by a total refusal to take any – then there are active steps in terms of ‘grow me’ that can be set at an appropriate level for the learner.  But if, as the adult, you are still struggling with your own issues of power and control then it is quite likely you will find it very difficult to make the space for that person to be themselves – and without that space, they will only be able to equate ‘responsibility’ with ‘obedience’.  So they may only be able to learn that lesson well away from ‘your space’.

Okay, but children aside, can we apply this to other adults in general?  And anyway it's not my job to grow someone else!  That's certainly true and handing out gratuitous advice is unlikely to win many friends, but that's not how it works.  Have you ever wondered why you were attracted to the people with whom you have long-term relationships?  In every case there will be some aspect of their personality that they express overtly, which reflects some shadow aspect of our own personality.  In other words, they hold up in front of you, just by being themselves, something that you need to learn about yourself.  Initially we find that attractive – too often we finish up tolerating it or suffering through in spite of it!  So, provided that people in close relationships can ‘make the space’ and get to genuinely ‘know’ one another, then ‘grow me’ becomes a mutually supportive exercise.  But without the ‘space’ or the ‘know me’, it becomes a mutually interlocking racket from which neither party benefits.

Okay, but what about work – am I supposed to ‘love’ everyone I work with?  In one way or another we do ‘make the space’ for most of them anyway.  And we generally work near others in similar positions to ours, and therefore share at least some similar personality traits.  So more often than not it's people in that ‘other department’ that are the real problem!  And sometimes ‘grow me’ may actually mean that ‘fire me’ is the best option.  Remember that this is an active, creative process – not conflict avoidance. 

Exactly the same three-step process applies.  If I can ‘make a space’ big enough for someone to genuinely be themselves, and I can genuinely get to ‘know’ them, then ‘grow me’ becomes a mutually supportive exercise that benefits not only me as a person, but also my colleagues, my team, my customers, my suppliers and my organisation.  But this is not about baring one's soul or being passive when strong action is called for.  ‘Love me, know me, grow me’ is simply the three step process of creating trust – and it’s the subsequent ‘reasonable assurance’ of a relationship future that forms the whole basis of modern society, and determines our own personal success and fulfilment within it.

So how big do you want to become?

Your VitallyMe Report will show you how to further develop your ability to apply the ‘love me, know me, grow me’ process to those aspects of your life that matter most to you.

What do you want on your tombstone?

It takes a stonemason to chisel words on a tombstone. But, it’s up to each of us to ensure our life merits a report.

You can lead courageously and leave the world better than you found it, not copping out, cutting corners or failing to live up to your potential – but such a life doesn’t just happen.

Today’s blog is adapted from an original article by my dear friend Timothy Pascoe.  Tim is an internationally renowned, wise elder in the Australian business community. His website and weekly blogs are aimed at increasing “leadership action and traction”, but this article applies just as much to anyone wanting to live a purposeful, meaningful life...

I spent many hours at university in a lecture theatre that carried a plaque commemorating a famous professor of engineering.  The Latin tag was "ex fructibus eorum cognoscetis eos" – by their fruits ye shall know them.  It’s what we do that counts both in life and as leaders.  Here are seven elements to consider and act on if your desire is to leave the world a better place.

1.  Vision… not just goals.  Most of us have goals – for the current week, month or year.  But, the change-agent has a vision too: to develop a cure for cancer or to make their city more liveable.  Or, in business perhaps, to make their service the market leader.  What’s your vision or purpose?

2.  Benefits… not just costs.  Everything we do consumes energy and resources.  And, these need careful allocation.  However, the key is the payoff – to justify the cost and hard work of making things different.  What could your vision deliver for you, your family, friends, community or even wider?  Do you want to be ‘used up’ when you die – or weighed down with ‘if onlys’?

3.  Generosity… not just profits.  Most things worth doing have a wider, non-commercial or public dividend as well.  Your product may change an industry.  So, be willing to share some of the fruits – perhaps making your IP public.  Or offer your service free to not-for-profits or to help the next generation pick up your baton.

4.  Plans… not just responses.  Being proactive is central to full life.  It’s necessary (but not enough) to react and adjust.  You have to define for yourself what you’ll do with whom and how you’ll monitor progress – yes, even in relationships.  And, update or make new life plans as needed.

5.  Decisions… not just fudges.  Moving your organisation (or your life) to a new place takes tough action: dumping well-understood practices and changing people’s roles and expectations.  Do this fairly and compassionately; but do it!  The future has to supplant the past.

6.  Investment… not just expenditure.  New endeavours and outcomes require incremental improvement, day to day and week to week.  But, they also need upfront commitments for different equipment, better training and closer leadership.  It’s about capital as well as costs.  A full life requires financial responsibility as well.

7.  Self-development… not just default behaviour.  We have to model the change – in ourselves and how we lead.  New activities or circumstances demand new leadership styles.  Unless people see us make the effort, why should they?  We must lead from the front – inspiring and not just instructing.  What do you embody in your living that others might model?

When a great person dies, it’s hard to find sufficient space on their tombstone to capture what they’ve done.  This is as true for an outstanding business builder as it is for a renowned politician, scientist or community leader.  For you and me, the tombstone may not need to be all that large.  But, each and every day, we need to be mindful that we’re writing our story that the stonemason will one day abridge in a few well-chiselled words.  What will it be?  I’d like to think mine might read something like this: in his own small way, he left the world better than he found it.  

Please, share your own desired epitaph...

Your own VitallyMe Report may well help you get clear on what you want that epitaph to be.  Read more...