Tis the Season - to Revisit Old Stuff?

The festive season is upon us, and there is a Ram Dass quote that seems to sum up the personal development perspective - “If you think you are so enlightened, go and spend a week with your parents!” 

I was looking to give some practical advice for psychological prosperity during this period, but on researching the quote, I found that Eckhart Tolle has already done that eloquently.  So for our final post of 2011, I will simply pass on his sage advice…

“Most people (and some or even most of your family members fit this description) are largely unaware of their ego and its totalitarian control over every aspect of their life.  The ego loves to complain and condemn.  These are often two favourite family pastimes when they get together for an extended family visit.  One of your jobs is to be aware of when this happens and choose either not to participate in it, to bring the subject to a more positive and meaningful conversation, or to point out the pointlessness of complaining and judging.  What you choose will depend on you and what you feel comfortable with.

Your sense of who you are within your family system determines what you perceive as your needs and what matters to you in life – and whatever matters to you will have the power to upset and disturb you.  So you may want to ask yourself the question: “What are the things that upset and disturb me?”  If small things have the power to disturb you, then who you think you are is exactly that: small.  That will be your unconscious belief.

What are the small things?  Ultimately all things are small things because all things are transient.

If you have been doing inner work for some time, a visit with your family is an excellent opportunity to discover how well you have done.  You will easily identify the areas where you have made significant progress.  You will also see where your weaknesses still lie.

The relationship with your parents is not only the primordial relationship that sets the tone for all subsequent relationships, it is also a good test for your degree of Presence.  The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.

Many who are on a path of awakening choose to avoid contact with their parents or family members. This can be helpful, if the intentions are truly good and not a pattern of avoidance.

As you spend time with your family, don't expect that you will be the perfect embodiment of all you have learned and integrated.  You will be put to the test day after day, moment by moment.  This is normal.  You will gain the most from this experience if you don't take it too seriously, if you don't create impossible standards for your conduct of behaviour, if you try so hard to be Present and Still that you behave like a robot, if you withdraw into a cocoon of self-protection, or if you blame your family members for every little imperfect act from the past that harmed you in some way.

Instead, and above all, choose to relax, reduce your expectations for what may or may not happen, expect little skirmishes, disagreements, moments of humility or failure, and the distance you may feel with your family as a whole, knowing that you are trying to move beyond the ego patterns that have been impediments to your soul and that they care less about ego and Presence and even Truth.

Love and accept them where they're at.  Have compassion for their pain.  Be observant while being engaged as guilelessly as possible.  Watch yourself and your reactions, out of curiosity, not judgment or blame, but for the benefit of learning how and where you're really at in your spiritual evolution.”

You may even offer someone a VitallyMe Personal Development Guide to help them better manage those unique qualities they keep on showing you at family gatherings ;-)

…And from the VitallyMe team, have psychologically prosperous Christmas and a spiritually abundant New Year.

Stand and Deliver!

What would you do, or not do, for money?  It is a question we all face sooner or later when times get tough, but paradoxically focusing on money is then exactly the wrong thing to do.

Counterintuitive it is, but to understand why it’s such a bad idea, let’s look at why we are paid at all.  Is it to do a job or to exchange value?  At work we might presume that someone values what we do because we do get paid.  But the attitude of being paid to do a job limits the experience to one of survival – and the result is that we usually just make enough to get by.  People sometimes try to justify that situation with statements like “I work to live – I don’t live to work!”  But with 40 – 50 hours a week on the job, another 50 or so hours asleep, travel time and personal maintenance, that adds up to a pretty poor deal with life. 

The attitude of value exchange opens up a world of new possibilities – for personal fulfilment, for making a difference that you consider worthwhile, and for making serious money – not for what you do, but for who you are becoming. 

So whether or not you are employed in the regular sense, here is a formula for being paid more and in a bigger sense, creating more abundance.  Don't work harder – or smarter – just add more value!  Yes, I know – that's just one of those feel-good facilitator platitudes that have about as much impact as a daily calendar quotation.  But my middle name is “practical application” – so let's see how we can make it real!  You need only grasp four principles to benefit from a value-exchange attitude…

Let's consider the basics first.  How is your pay rate determined?  Ultimately it's simply supply and demand.  If you add a value that a million other people can add relative to the demand for that skill-set then your pay will be comparatively low – basically you're easy to replace.  If you add a value that few others can add relative to the demand then your pay will be comparatively high – and you will have much more choice of employment as well.  Yet at the same time, if your heart is not in your work it soon becomes physically and mentally and emotionally draining.  So the esoteric ideal is to be able do what you love doing, and have that add a value that is in high demand.  Esoteric perhaps, but nevertheless it exposes the first principle – “It’s all about value – and it’s only about value”.  

To ground that principle requires an understanding of just what constitutes “value”.  Gold is only valuable because enough people agree that it is.  So the second principle is “Value is not intrinsic – it exists only in the mind of the beholder”, and in the willingness of collective beholders to exchange money for that value.  Therefore we need to discover what lies in the minds of the beholders.  It is quite unlikely that the beholder’s values will match what exists in your own mind – that's why markets exist.  So, how can you probe those minds?  Asking them is risky because customers don't generally know what they want – they simply make choices between various offerings.  No one asked for the iPad to be invented; no one asked for a global Facebook network.  In other words, you need to “run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it”.  That's how real-world value is discovered.

The third principle is “The greatest value you can create is by doing what you love best”.  To add a value that is not in keeping with your heart's deepest desire will be draining and unfulfilling, even if you do get paid.  But it's not about being naive – it’s about discovering the real-world value in what you are passionate about – and packaging it in a deliverable form.  If you are a human being then there are others out there, not far away, who need what you have to offer, who need to know what you have learnt, who need to find what you have found in life, or who are seeking what you are seeking.  That's not usually hard to define after some supportive and objective feedback, but the next step can be a bit tricky!

The fourth principle is “Create and package your value-add in a deliverable form – and then deliver it”.  Some people are good at creating value but not at delivering it.  Others are not so good at creating but they are good at delivering – that is, at selling someone else's value creation.  There’s an obvious opportunity for cooperative effort but the best opportunity for your growth and your personal success lies in learning to master both skills.  This was a painful lesson for me – I spent 10 self-funded years doing what I loved best – creating a product that I was sure every large company would embrace because of its huge and innovative value add.  But it failed to deliver value in the minds of those who put personal success ahead of holistic organisational development – a very big ouch!  In hindsight it was an obvious mistake.

When we get to the “I will do anything for money” stage we've all but lost our way, because then we are likely to attempt to extract money without adding any value.  That's when we’re likely to be tempted to invest in the get-rich-quick schemes, take risks with shonky deals or start using friends as sales targets, and then the problem of diminishing value goes into a downwards spiral.  It's at these times we need to be even clearer about our value-add and focus on that more strongly than ever.

So here is a scenario that will help you get all the ducks in a row.  Quit your job – or at least imagine quitting your job.  If you don't currently have a job, all the better!  Now imagine you have no money – your investments have evaporated – your possessions have lost almost all their value.  If you don’t currently have any money, all the better!  (BTW this is more a global prediction than an imagining!)

Now, don't ask yourself “How can I survive?” Instead, consider the above four principles from that fresh, clean perspective, at that very time when your gut tells you otherwise.  You might just discover who you really are and the truly amazing value you add by showing up! 

… and yes, I do run workshops!  And I would love to hear about your learning experiences in creating abundance for yourself or others.

Your VitallyMe Personal Development Guide identifies ‘treadmills’ and how to get off them.  Staying stuck on a treadmill can limit your transition across the four principles outlined above, so if you’re having any difficulty with that, who you gunna call?

The Importance of Retaliation

“An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” is mostly misinterpreted as a call for revenge.  But in fact this statement is entirely in keeping with building genuine self-respect and healthy community.  To the tribes of the Old Testament (as well as people of tribal consciousness today), breaking of trust – getting hurt physically or having their ‘honour’ dented – stirred strong emotions for self-righteous revenge and escalated feuds that continued for generations.  “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” was more likely a call for restraint – a call to limit revenge to the tit-for-tat rule that ants demonstrate to work so well.  Without the tit-for-tat rule the conflict can only escalate and perpetuate – just watch the daily news for examples.  But let’s look deeper…

Trust is broken when some other entity fails to act according to our hopes, expectations or more often, our assumptions.  That inevitably stirs old emotions in us.  Yet we can't actually be let down emotionally – it takes some action (or lack of action) on the part of others to trigger the emotional response which is truly our own.  So that ancient call to our tribal nature is actually a call to manage our emotional responses – not to suppress them and not to indulge them – but to integrate on the emotional level by meeting the other party on the energetic terms that they created.  This builds mutual self-respect and encourages healthy community to develop.  It’s a call for personal development 101!  So how can we apply it to daily experiences?

When trust leads to getting hurt, one should retaliate “in kind”.  Most often the energetic form of the hurt will be the one most natural to the perpetrator, and therefore the one in which they can best appreciate equality and respect. 

So the physical bully needs to be met on that level because that's what he or she respects.  Get a ‘big brother’ to help if necessary and hand back what was meted out – but no more.  That will get respect.  What won’t get respect is punishment invoked by an authority according to rules that the perpetrator never agreed to.  For someone who steps into the world putting emotions (impulse) or actions (power) first, (which accounts for the vast majority of school children and about 80% of the adult population), being punished according to the law doesn't gain respect – it only gains immediate submission and a determination not to be caught in future.  For someone who steps into the world putting thinking (intellect) first (about 20% of the population), rules are of fundamental importance.

If the breaking of trust involves damage to your reputation, then confront that person directly - with the integrity of your reputation. 

If the breaking of trust involves a faulty product or service that the vendor will not make good then make that poor service public knowledge – that is handing the same energy back. 

If the breaking of trust involves a business or financial agreement then public exposure or recourse to the law might be the appropriate energetic response. 

If the breaking of trust involves matters in those messy areas of family alliances and secrets, then remember that ‘being heard’ and actually hearing the other people as equals, is where the respect and equality lies, even though sibling rivalry and lifelong survival patterns may lurk at the core.

In each case, even though the energy may be different, the principle is the same – to retaliate in kind, and no more, is the key to building robust respect and genuine equality.  Through the lens of personal development, “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” means facing up to the lesson that the situation has presented to you.  To do anything else is to choose not to grow from the experience.  Once the lesson is learned there is of course no obligation to continue in that relationship – but you could choose to move it on to another level if you desired.

Yes, but what about “turning the other cheek”?  That’s the potential of step 4 of the trust exercise – “re-trust”.  See the last blog “A Matter of Trust” for all four steps.  It’s another (often misinterpreted) call for integration, but it's a more sophisticated lesson that can only be mastered after mutual respect has been handled.  “Turning the other cheek” is about integrating the Will – it's not about being a wuss – it's about developing real choice in your actions.  When built on top of mutual respect it's about moving forward rather than dwelling on the past.  And we can only let go of the past through emotional integration.  And just as it takes Will power to manage emotions, it takes Thinking power to manage the Will.

Your own VitallyMe Personal Development Guide will highlight aspects of life that you have already mastered and those that you may still be working on.  Deciding to jump off a ‘treadmill’ is an excellent opportunity to put the four-step trust exercise into practice.  Or perhaps you know someone else who should?

A Matter of Trust...

"You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

Steve Jobs

Inspiring words, but have you ever trusted someone or something and been let down badly?  Most of us have – a dream shattered – a relationship disintegrated – a career terminated – an investment turned sour – an ideal turned to disillusionment.  Sometimes we can bounce back more or less intact, dust ourselves off, and continue.  But sometimes we don’t bounce very well at all!

Yet there is a simple formula that can stop the experience becoming a train wreck and quickly turn it into a genuinely positive growth lesson.  The steps come from nature – and from a creature most unlikely to demonstrate expertise in trust – the humble ant!  Ants, it seems, don’t always get on with one another, but they do have a simple hard-wired formula for ensuring relationship success.  Interestingly, the same formula was discovered by a bunch of geeks who created an artificial intelligence software environment where computer ‘bots’ had to both compete and survive.

And like all the best insights it is so simple… Trust – get hurt – retaliate in kind – re-trust.  No revenge, no victims, no inequality.  The simple tit-for-tat rule shows the other party that they will be paid in kind.  This is the only response that immediately demonstrates how trusting benefits both parties – because it limits the possible outcome to either ‘win-win’ or ‘lose-lose’.  To choose not to engage or to choose not to respond, both demonstrate to the other party that ‘win-lose’ is a successful strategy!  Whether the drama is physical, emotional, mental, financial, in business or in family, the formula is always the key to win-win, healthy, personal development.  Same goes for your gut, destiny, life, karma, or whatever.  Think about it!

Ants have done well by following the rule and even the computer bots built successful artificial societies that way.  So why do human beings have such difficulty in learning about trust?  Well, in order to enact that formula in human relationships you need to have a good sense of self.  Ants and robots probably don't suffer from low self-esteem!  So let’s see how we can learn from ants.  There are only four steps but human beings can get it wrong at each one. 

Where do you experience difficulty?

Do you crash in step 1 – Trust: By not trusting in the first place?  By avoiding all possible risks?  By staying small and safe?  By avoiding engagement wherever possible?

Or do you lose it in step 2 – Getting hurt: By taking an aggressive stance and ‘hurting’ them first?  By opening yourself up so much that you get devastated?  By showing vulnerability and hoping they won’t take advantage?

Or do you avoid step 3 – Retaliate in kind: By adopting a victim stance and becoming self-righteous?  By coming back with over-whelming force and crushing them completely?  By citing politically correct values and reasoning that the situation would never have happened if those values had been adhered to?

Or is your challenge in step 4 – Re-trust: By saying “never again!”  By walling off that person or experience forever?  By plotting revenge?  By seeking out a new and different person/situation to trust?

The full-hearted application of all steps of the formula to one’s own dreams, in relationship or in business ultimately builds a strong healthy self-sense, which in turn makes the formula easier to apply.  No revenge, no victims, no inequality.  This also creates a ‘virtuous circle’ that builds one’s own and others’ integrity.

But how do you know you can trust other people?  All people are trustworthy some of the time, and no-one is trustworthy all of the time!  It’s just the circumstances that determine the tipping point.  Can you trust your own heart, gut, destiny, life, karma, or whatever?  All beliefs and instincts are trustworthy some of the time and none are trustworthy all of the time.  It’s just the circumstances that determine the tipping point!

So perhaps trust is nothing more than a gambling chip for getting into the game of life?  What is for sure is that the more you trust – through each of the four steps – the more exciting and the more powerful your life will become.  Trust me!

Your own VitallyMe Personal Development Guide will help you discover why you experience difficulty with one or more of the ‘trust steps’, and what to do about it – www.vitallyme.com

Are you making a difference – or just taking up space?

The subject of making a difference has been popping up a lot lately – from the global ‘Occupy’ movement to local chats over coffee.  There seems to be a sense in some people that because they are not involved in some major cause, they don't really make much difference in any significant way.  So the question this week is “How can an ordinary person change the world?”

“Making a difference” is very much a contextual statement.  Eileen Caddy once wrote “that every grain of sand on the beach makes a difference and that every flower in the field has its place”.  But frankly that statement never did much for me personally.  A grain of sand doesn't make any difference – unless it’s the one in your eye!  A flower in the field doesn't make any difference – unless it’s the one you give your lover!  But they’re both the exceptions – the one in a million that stands out from the rest.  So I guess that all the other grains and all the other flowers are just taking up space? 

Perhaps it’s the difference that it makes to someone specific that counts?  There is probably not much doubt that you make a difference to your parents or to your children, simply because you are there – taking up space.  Personally, I never found much fulfilment in that realisation either.  Families just kind of ‘happen’ – with or without your intention to make a difference in the world.  Don't get me wrong here – it's great to feel appreciated – but being part of a family is dead centre ordinary.  Shouldn't making a difference involve some kind of noble quest?

I suspect that for most human beings a sense of making a difference needs to come from more than simply existing.  It seems to be our genes to want to make the world somehow better for our having passed through it.  And there seems to be so many people in the world who accomplished such big things – Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Anita Roddick or Nelson Mandela for instance – what can I possibly contribute compared to them?

 

It seems to me that those people didn't spend much time sitting around thinking about making a difference.  It seems to me that they were all busy being themselves – outrageously!

It seems to me that the difference between taking up space and making a difference in the world is simply giving full expression to who you are, rather than hiding away in comfortable, familiar places.  When was the last time you expressed yourself outrageously?  It's not about joining a protest movement, unless that is a true expression of who you are.  I agree with the sentiment behind the ‘Occupy’ movement – I think it identifies a symptom of what is seriously wrong with the state of today's world.  But the movement seems to rely a lot on the notion that taking up space makes a difference.   In New York they have been moved on with the statement “Now they will have to fill the space with the power of their argument.”  And it’s true!  Here’s hoping they find a clear collective voice for positive change – not simply complaining about the bad guys in powerful positions.  But hey, it’s a good start to a collective voice that could just trigger a general shift of consciousness.

According to Wikipedia, as of 16 February 2011, there were over 156 million public blogs in existence.  Internet statistics show that there were 2,095,006,005 internet users as of 31 March 2011.  That's about one blog for every 13 people on the planet with internet access!  That means either that there are a few people who do an awful lot of reading or a lot of people who do a little bit of reading – or a lot of blogs that go unread!  I suspect that what it really shows is that people are demonstrating a need to express themselves that is far greater than their need to read what others say – and that is a truly wonderful and evolutionary thing.  It's only through expression that one can get useful feedback that can ground one’s ideas in what is now a global reality.  As citizens of the planet we now have easily available technology to do that.

So, if you want to make a difference – to move from ordinary to extraordinary – don't just take up space – speak up.  Starting a blog is the easiest way to add your thoughts to the growing global consciousness.  And if more than 13 people read it you're making an above average difference!  And since you are almost certainly within the 20% of the population at the leading edge of consciousness evolution on the planet, that leaves 80% of the population who need to hear whatever you have to say about life – whatever is real for you.  Quote other people if they can articulate your thoughts better than you, but only quote what is a genuine expression of yourself – and add your own comments to it.   Leave comments on other’s blogs – that makes a difference.  Together we can begin to hear what our own collective voice is saying to us.

Certainly Steve Jobs did more than write a blog.  He expressed himself outrageously in words, he got lots of feedback, and more than a few followers to help him express himself outrageously in deeds that changed our world.  And so did Richard, and Anita, and Nelson and…

The only difference anyone can make in the world is the unselfish sharing of themselves – please give generously!

Your own VitallyMe Personal Development Guide will highlight the qualities that are uniquely and genuinely yours – the qualities you probably take for granted – the same qualities that really make a difference in the world!

How to fall in love with the person you married!

Remember the first time you fell in love – I mean really fell?  Did you count the minutes until you’d be with that person again?  Did you buy flowers or chocolates or champagne spontaneously?  Did your creativity blossom – through poetry, dance moves, or letters that you later regretted?

Through some miracle of genes, chemicals or perhaps the life force itself, you truly experienced what is known as “transpersonal love” – for a little while at least.  You loved them just for who they were, and they loved you in the same way.  It delivered energies of passion for sure, but also generally positive feelings that powered you through the day.  Remember how they hung on your every word, and how you really listened to them?  It's the stuff of romance novels and chick flicks – but both are signs of a desire for more of that magical state.

And so a serious relationship commenced – perhaps you moved in together and got married.  Perhaps your focus was on careers, or building a nest.  Perhaps your attention was distracted by children for 20 or 30 years!  However it happened for you, the everyday challenges of life demanded strong and resilient personality development, and you probably met those challenges head on.  The inevitable ego-on-ego relationship shifted your experience of love to something much more “grounded”.  No doubt you attracted a mate who in some way is your polar opposite, giving both of you the opportunity to grow and learn from one another.  The degree of polarisation and the joint willingness and ability to take up the growth opportunities, determined the course of the relationship. 

Of course you can reject the opportunity altogether and start again with someone else on a new and (apparently) different challenge!  But the point of this is, “What happens if you don't split up?”  You can either grow within the original challenge that your partner presents to you every day just by being themselves, or you can grow through therapy or a wide range of workshop experiences.  And the more you know about yourself, the easier it is to meet the challenge of partnership.

Every couple inevitably settles into ways of getting along with one another, (ideally) for mutual benefit.  If they successfully meet life's challenges for ego integration then they achieve the satisfaction of normalcy within society.  This is a kind of mutually interdependent-self relationship – it's reasonably comfortable, it's reasonably productive, and there is always some common interest that can be pursued together.  You know one another very well, you respect one another, you support one another's desires and aspirations, and you achieve things together.

Yet there is a very serious trap that lies hidden within that very success.  Life works reasonably well but the truth is that we can settle for a life that, while becoming more secure and predictable, actually reduces relationship to a series of shared, comfortable habits and routines.  The satisfaction in life that you have attained together gradually becomes less satisfying – not necessarily in quantity, but in quality.  For many people this is all that life is about – a kind of goal achieved – after which, having attained a certain objectivity about their life experiences, they retire and fade away.  But for others the “lack of satisfaction with satisfaction” demands that they continue on a longer, now spirit-centric journey.

With maturity and awareness, certain experiences guide the way: perhaps certain pieces of music; perhaps certain pieces of film or video; perhaps certain scenes from nature; perhaps certain types of story or poetry; perhaps certain types of spiritual practice – the common element being how far one can be absorbed into the experience – becoming one with the experience as it were.  This is not to be confused with a simple disassociation experience where one is simply “not present”.  This is the experience of being absolutely present, not as an observer but "as the experience itself".  As children we were naturally good at it, but we lacked the awareness to distinguish between that and the other reality.  And as an adult if you have ever truly fallen in love, then you have known the experience for that honeymoon period, but you probably still lacked the awareness and the skills to consciously create it.

But now, older and wiser, as you consciously explore those absorption experiences, and consciously allow the expansion beyond self, but fully inclusive of self, new skills and a whole new awareness begin to emerge.  For these are the transpersonal skills of “falling in love” consciously – of loving another person, or people, for no more reason than that they are who they are right now.  But it's not a passive or observer type experience any longer.  With it comes the spontaneity, the creativity, the physical energy and that old passion for whatever in life you choose to focus on.  A whole new world emerges – not simply a nostalgic recreation of the past.

So get yourself beyond your “satisfaction with satisfaction” – and you won't be able to help falling in love with that amazing person you married, all over again – and much, much more besides.

Perhaps this is your journey?

Your own VitallyMePersonal Development Guide will help you discover just what satisfactions you personally need to go beyond.  Nameste!

The Joy of Procrastination

I've been putting this off for some time – but today I’m going to do it – as soon as I tidy up a few little things – then I’ll be able to give it my full attention – no, really!

Isn't it amazing how having one really important thing to do can result in all those less important things suddenly jumping the priority queue?

So those really important items get crammed up against a deadline, we get all stressed about it, and we beat ourselves up at least as much as we expect someone else to beat us up for not delivering on time.

Is procrastination related to the observation that work always expands to fill the time available, plus a bit more? It’s as if there’s a self-adjusting pressure regulator – we need to feel a particular level of pressure before we can feel satisfied with a conclusion. Or is it just something that happens when your head says ‘do it’ but your heart’s not in it?

Procrastination can help us to feel busy, important, burdened, pressured, resentful, guilty, misunderstood, used, abused, rebellious, indispensable, and even powerful!  Yet some people can lie on the beach (or the couch) all day and do nothing.  For others (well me anyway), time out is a maintenance need that you can always put off for a bit longer!

Certainly, some of the best creativity I’ve seen only happens under pressure – pressure strong enough to generate ‘out of the box’ thinking.  Teams ‘get their acts together’ most effectively in times of crisis – and so managers often need to create the crisis to spark that forward movement.

So what is it about human nature that demands a certain pressure in order to bring out our best?  Without pressure do we revert to lizard consciousness?

I could come up with a number of tips for curing procrastination, such as ‘remove distractions’ – but I don’t feel like it right now – and anyway this blog isn’t due for couple of days yet!  But seriously, there’s little point in struggling with the effects if you don’t understand the cause – so let’s look deeper.

What are the typical things that you procrastinate over?  Housework; study requirements; work projects for your boss; making phone calls; getting out of bed; completing tax forms; ending a relationship; getting a job; projects for yourself; firing someone; asking for a date; facing conflict; delivering bad news; taking a holiday?  Identify your favourites here or add your own.

Now, what is the typical self-talk that you use around those items – ‘have to’; ‘must’; ‘they want me to’; ‘no choice’; ‘I’ll try to’; ‘I’m afraid to’?  Typically we see the pressure to perform as being external to us.  But whether external, internal, real or artificial, it is almost always emotional pressure. 

Could it be that procrastination gives us a sense that those external forces do not control us – at least during the period when we are actively procrastinating?  Perhaps I can hold on to the notion that I am a free agent in charge of my own destiny?  But as a deadline approaches the internal pressure may become the superior force and I get on with the task at hand only when the free agent fantasy is overwhelmed by the rising level of panic?

So let’s go still deeper… what are the feelings that underlie the self-talk – name them.  Are those feelings around being powerless or humiliated?  Or about feeling unappreciated or undervalued?  Or about feeling stupid or incapable?  Or about…?

Whatever those feelings and possibly even strong emotions – sure enough, they’re yours!  And there is your key to freedom.  The joy of procrastination is that it puts you right in touch with your very own personal emotional nature.  As a procrastinator you’re facilitating your own self-contained personal development workshop!

So acknowledge those feelings to yourself (they are longing to be acknowledged!), then choose to express them – or to indulge them – or not.  Procrastination is a flag being waved by those unacknowledged feelings – and they won’t go away without your attention.

When you examine those feelings it very likely you will discover that they are only vaguely related to the reality of the task at hand.  The task is simply reminding you of them and the low priority you have assigned to them.  Very often the energy that goes into resisting them is greater than the energy required to complete the task!

And where is the joy?  Well, by properly acknowledging those old negative feelings you can make room for the positive feelings that could come from mastering the task at hand with ease and grace.

That will allow your heart to get back into the game.  Don’t ever put that off!

What’s your experience?

Your own VitallyMe Personal Development Guide will also help you get your heart back into the game of life… www.vitallyme.com

Why Don't They Listen?

“But she just doesn't listen to anyone!  She is continually in broadcast mode!  I, on the other hand, try to listen – I really try to hear what she says – but hearing what she says doesn't mean I necessarily agree – I mean she changes her mind all the time!”

“Well you may be listening but you're clearly not hearing me! If you were really hearing me then you would realise the stupidity of your position!”

“If I’ve told you once, I've told you 1000 times – are you deaf, dumb or stupid? Will you just shut up and do it!”

“Don't just stand there – say something!” “Yes, well it would be good if you would stop saying everything for just one moment and just stand there!”

“I thought we were having a conversation – I've been talking into silence for several minutes – now you say something!” “What do you want me to say?”

“We discussed this several months ago and you agreed to change your behaviour – has there been a sudden loss of memory on your part?” “I have no recollection of that agreement!”

Communication takes place on a number of levels – the words, the vocals, and the body language. So more often than not we are sending mixed messages, or tuning in to only one part of what is being communicated. And it follows that if we could get all of those levels communicating the same message then we would be broadcasting with much more power. But we could still be wrong!

Perhaps you’ve heard the lament, “If a man speaks words in the forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?”

Courses on communication talk about framing the message – creating a kind of package – sending it across the space and checking that it has been received and understood.  A logical framework for sure - but what if there's nobody home when the mailman arrives?  Some say it's all a matter of intention on the part of the sender and all about attention on the part of the receiver.  Again, it sounds good but you don't know my boss/partner/child/neighbour!  If the methodology of communication is so well-known, why do we have so many failures to communicate?

So I'm not going to give you any ‘10 tips for better communication’ as such.  That might help you play the game better, but what interests me is why we play the game in the first place.  So I'd like to offer some deeper insights that may help change the game.

When you sift it all down to the essence, regardless of the words and the methodology and the intention and the attention, there is really only one message at the grass roots level of everything we communicate – “This is me”.  Weird maybe, but in essence we can only communicate “who we are”.  The most common reply is also “This is me”, but the optimum reply is “Yes it is”. 

If there is a failure on that level, then we tend to add more power by whatever means we can – even if it has an effect opposite to what we desire. 

Why is it so important for us to get this essential message across and even more important for us to have it acknowledged?  The only truthful answer is that we don't feel confident about who we are in these circumstances.  In other words, I’m not confident of my own value here – so I need someone else to reassure me of that value.  By some quirk of nature, human beings seem to have a need to feel that they are of some value, especially to other human beings.  It's probably a design fault! 

So, for example, why would Qantas workers set out to deliberately cause pain and suffering among so many of the travelling public?  Could it be that they don't feel respected by Qantas management – record profits, records CEO salary, moving business overseas and shedding 1000 jobs?  Surely not – after all they’re only workers, not shareholders.

Could it be that all human communication failures stem from a little voice that says “I'm worth more than this!”  And if I don't get that acknowledged in kind then I’ll demand it in cash.

Perhaps we are all truly worthless!  Would that be so bad?  My guess is that it would be okay – so long as we were all equally worthless!  Basic self-esteem is established in the first couple of years of life, where some mothering-type person must have seen some intrinsic value in who we were.  The fact that most of us survived due to that person’s good graces evidences that.  But most of us remain vulnerable at that deep level – we have just learned different ways of protecting that vulnerability – and often the best defence is a good offence.

Next time you experience a communications failure, try to hear that little voice saying “I'm worth more than this!”  So if your boss just doesn't listen, then what he is saying is “I'm worth more than this!”  If your union calls a strike, then they’re saying “We’re worth more than this!”  If your partner calls the divorce lawyer she is saying “I'm worth more than this!”  If your child doesn't clean up his room he is saying “I'm worth more than this!”  Then consider your energetic response to those voices.  Does your evaluation of their worth grow larger or smaller?  And if you are in a position of power, will you narrow that sense of inequality in kind – or pay in cash?

One of the latest TED talks, by Richard Wilkinson, is about “How economic inequality harms societies”.  His research worldwide shows that social dysfunction of all types is up to ten times worse in countries with the highest income inequality, but is not directly related to the actual levels of income.   My take on it is that it’s the feelings of inequality stirred by seemingly unjustifiable economic differences that determine the degree of dysfunction. 

Perhaps what today’s level of global dysfunction is saying to us is “We’re all worth more than this!”

I've studied people quite intensively for many years and come to the conclusion that there is an almost perfect correlation between stupid people and people who don't agree with me.  Now why don’t they listen!

Your own VitallyMe Report can help you improve your "hearing"… www.vitallyme.com

Is Commitment a four letter word?

There is an old joke that goes “How do you get all the rats to leave New York?”  The answer is “Ask them for a commitment!”  The deeper implication that makes it funny is the all too common experience that some people want a relationship commitment, while those who might make that happen for them, are often less than enthusiastic.  I'm sure that for many people there are real fears around making a commitment.  But I also wonder how many people, who haven’t felt that fear, have actually thought through what a commitment actually means to them, even when they do willingly make one.  Perhaps the ‘rats’ are more aware!

Did you commit to ‘love, honour and obey’ in your relationship?  Love and honour sound okay at first glance, but I choke up on ‘obey’, which implies some kind of master/slave arrangement.  And to try to ‘obey’ each other implies many difficult-to-resolve situations.  If one only commits to love and honour, then just what does that mean in reality?  Does it mean, to say ‘I love you’ every day?  Does it mean to feel loving towards that other person every day?  Does it mean to put up with someone else’s stuff forever?

Defining commitment

So is commitment an emotional thing?  That is, I will be faithful to you emotionally; or I will only be emotional with you; or I will always let you know what I'm feeling; or I will always accept your emotional expressions?

Or is commitment a physical thing?  That is, I will commit to meet my share of the expenses; or I will deliver hugs on demand; or I will do my share of housework; or I will be exclusive in my sexual expression and other displays of affection?

Or is it a mental thing?  That is, more like a business arrangement; or rules of engagement; or a legal agreement where we spell out terms and conditions and consequences in advance?

Or perhaps it's a spiritual thing?  That is, I commit to a relationship with your higher self (whoever that is); or I will share common spiritual beliefs with you; or I’ll be your soul mate; or we’ll meditate together?

Or perhaps commitment for you is some combination of all of the above?  So is it about raising a family, establishing mutual security, saving money, having fun, making investments, or about some sharing of common interests?  Of course we can pick and choose and negotiate on all of the above – but did you ever actually do that consciously?

Revisiting assumptions

What assumptions do you make about your partner holding the same definition of commitment as you do?  Have you ever spelled out the details of your expectation of a committed relationship?  What are your specific needs that you expect your partner (actual or envisioned) to meet?  And does that make a committed relationship into some kind of closed deal rather than an open exploration?

People and relationships grow and evolve – so when is it time to re-visit a commitment?  Or is the implication ‘till death us do part’, even on commitments that were made in ignorance or naivety?  What brings most people together in the first place is probably life's longing to renew itself – a force of nature in which they are totally swept up.  That’s certainly valid, but it only requires a medium-term focus – so why not just enjoy the rush while it lasts and skip the commitment drama? 

It seems to me that if you don’t know why you are there, then that blurring of purpose will guarantee that the spirit that brought you together in the first place will disperse and fade away.  So, for a commitment to mean more than the pretty words, it needs to be preceded by the question “Why am I here (with this person)?”

Of course you love them, or they make you laugh, or they’re great in bed, or you make a good team – but in reality that could easily be true for you with many, many others.  You probably love your parents; comedians make you laugh; hot chocolate is great in bed; and the local footy club makes a good team.  So why this person?

A new beginning

My experience is that a meaningful life is one in which we grow towards some purpose bigger than who we are at any given time.  Growing always brings growing pains, be they physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual.  Making a commitment is saying publicly that I will stick with it when the going gets tough – I will persevere to become that bigger person through whatever experiences may arise.  The alternative is to keep seeking a world and other people who will adjust to suit you – good luck with that one!

So doesn’t it make sense that relationship (other than life’s longing to renew itself) is about creating a special space – perhaps even a sacred space – for each person to grow as an individual?  For me that implies a kind of space that can’t be created by one person alone.  Only a committed relationship offers that every day, for as long as it takes.  So being in a committed relationship is paradoxically, a commitment to oneself. 

A formula for renewal

The only thing we can really commit to in a relationship is to do our best to create that sacred space – and to use that space not to stay small or safe, but to become the best person we can become. 

Here’s a formula for those ready to renew their relationship.  Discuss and make notes on the following questions.  To make it work, a commitment must be freely chosen – not as a burden – not as an obligation – not from habit or inertia – not as an escape from aloneness.

• What kind of space do you offer your partner in that regard? 
• What kind of space does your partner offer you?  (It will be different from yours.)
• What is that combined space about – describe it as an environment.  How does it nurture your growth in ways that would not otherwise be possible?
• How will you use that over the next (say) year?  Anniversaries are good reminders.
• Are you willing to commit yourself to that?

Now you know exactly what each of you is committing to in your relationship, and that should be in full alignment with each of your higher selves – whoever they may be!  So with full eye contact and full awareness – say the words to each other…

I think I hear the patter of little feet.  Perhaps it’s the rats returning to New York!

Your own VitallyMe Report will help you discover the quality of those ‘spaces’ that appear wherever you go.  Read more…