A Matter of Trust...

"You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

Steve Jobs

Inspiring words, but have you ever trusted someone or something and been let down badly?  Most of us have – a dream shattered – a relationship disintegrated – a career terminated – an investment turned sour – an ideal turned to disillusionment.  Sometimes we can bounce back more or less intact, dust ourselves off, and continue.  But sometimes we don’t bounce very well at all!

Yet there is a simple formula that can stop the experience becoming a train wreck and quickly turn it into a genuinely positive growth lesson.  The steps come from nature – and from a creature most unlikely to demonstrate expertise in trust – the humble ant!  Ants, it seems, don’t always get on with one another, but they do have a simple hard-wired formula for ensuring relationship success.  Interestingly, the same formula was discovered by a bunch of geeks who created an artificial intelligence software environment where computer ‘bots’ had to both compete and survive.

And like all the best insights it is so simple… Trust – get hurt – retaliate in kind – re-trust.  No revenge, no victims, no inequality.  The simple tit-for-tat rule shows the other party that they will be paid in kind.  This is the only response that immediately demonstrates how trusting benefits both parties – because it limits the possible outcome to either ‘win-win’ or ‘lose-lose’.  To choose not to engage or to choose not to respond, both demonstrate to the other party that ‘win-lose’ is a successful strategy!  Whether the drama is physical, emotional, mental, financial, in business or in family, the formula is always the key to win-win, healthy, personal development.  Same goes for your gut, destiny, life, karma, or whatever.  Think about it!

Ants have done well by following the rule and even the computer bots built successful artificial societies that way.  So why do human beings have such difficulty in learning about trust?  Well, in order to enact that formula in human relationships you need to have a good sense of self.  Ants and robots probably don't suffer from low self-esteem!  So let’s see how we can learn from ants.  There are only four steps but human beings can get it wrong at each one. 

Where do you experience difficulty?

Do you crash in step 1 – Trust: By not trusting in the first place?  By avoiding all possible risks?  By staying small and safe?  By avoiding engagement wherever possible?

Or do you lose it in step 2 – Getting hurt: By taking an aggressive stance and ‘hurting’ them first?  By opening yourself up so much that you get devastated?  By showing vulnerability and hoping they won’t take advantage?

Or do you avoid step 3 – Retaliate in kind: By adopting a victim stance and becoming self-righteous?  By coming back with over-whelming force and crushing them completely?  By citing politically correct values and reasoning that the situation would never have happened if those values had been adhered to?

Or is your challenge in step 4 – Re-trust: By saying “never again!”  By walling off that person or experience forever?  By plotting revenge?  By seeking out a new and different person/situation to trust?

The full-hearted application of all steps of the formula to one’s own dreams, in relationship or in business ultimately builds a strong healthy self-sense, which in turn makes the formula easier to apply.  No revenge, no victims, no inequality.  This also creates a ‘virtuous circle’ that builds one’s own and others’ integrity.

But how do you know you can trust other people?  All people are trustworthy some of the time, and no-one is trustworthy all of the time!  It’s just the circumstances that determine the tipping point.  Can you trust your own heart, gut, destiny, life, karma, or whatever?  All beliefs and instincts are trustworthy some of the time and none are trustworthy all of the time.  It’s just the circumstances that determine the tipping point!

So perhaps trust is nothing more than a gambling chip for getting into the game of life?  What is for sure is that the more you trust – through each of the four steps – the more exciting and the more powerful your life will become.  Trust me!

Your own VitallyMe Personal Development Guide will help you discover why you experience difficulty with one or more of the ‘trust steps’, and what to do about it – www.vitallyme.com