A Matter of Trust...

"You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

Steve Jobs

Inspiring words, but have you ever trusted someone or something and been let down badly?  Most of us have – a dream shattered – a relationship disintegrated – a career terminated – an investment turned sour – an ideal turned to disillusionment.  Sometimes we can bounce back more or less intact, dust ourselves off, and continue.  But sometimes we don’t bounce very well at all!

Yet there is a simple formula that can stop the experience becoming a train wreck and quickly turn it into a genuinely positive growth lesson.  The steps come from nature – and from a creature most unlikely to demonstrate expertise in trust – the humble ant!  Ants, it seems, don’t always get on with one another, but they do have a simple hard-wired formula for ensuring relationship success.  Interestingly, the same formula was discovered by a bunch of geeks who created an artificial intelligence software environment where computer ‘bots’ had to both compete and survive.

And like all the best insights it is so simple… Trust – get hurt – retaliate in kind – re-trust.  No revenge, no victims, no inequality.  The simple tit-for-tat rule shows the other party that they will be paid in kind.  This is the only response that immediately demonstrates how trusting benefits both parties – because it limits the possible outcome to either ‘win-win’ or ‘lose-lose’.  To choose not to engage or to choose not to respond, both demonstrate to the other party that ‘win-lose’ is a successful strategy!  Whether the drama is physical, emotional, mental, financial, in business or in family, the formula is always the key to win-win, healthy, personal development.  Same goes for your gut, destiny, life, karma, or whatever.  Think about it!

Ants have done well by following the rule and even the computer bots built successful artificial societies that way.  So why do human beings have such difficulty in learning about trust?  Well, in order to enact that formula in human relationships you need to have a good sense of self.  Ants and robots probably don't suffer from low self-esteem!  So let’s see how we can learn from ants.  There are only four steps but human beings can get it wrong at each one. 

Where do you experience difficulty?

Do you crash in step 1 – Trust: By not trusting in the first place?  By avoiding all possible risks?  By staying small and safe?  By avoiding engagement wherever possible?

Or do you lose it in step 2 – Getting hurt: By taking an aggressive stance and ‘hurting’ them first?  By opening yourself up so much that you get devastated?  By showing vulnerability and hoping they won’t take advantage?

Or do you avoid step 3 – Retaliate in kind: By adopting a victim stance and becoming self-righteous?  By coming back with over-whelming force and crushing them completely?  By citing politically correct values and reasoning that the situation would never have happened if those values had been adhered to?

Or is your challenge in step 4 – Re-trust: By saying “never again!”  By walling off that person or experience forever?  By plotting revenge?  By seeking out a new and different person/situation to trust?

The full-hearted application of all steps of the formula to one’s own dreams, in relationship or in business ultimately builds a strong healthy self-sense, which in turn makes the formula easier to apply.  No revenge, no victims, no inequality.  This also creates a ‘virtuous circle’ that builds one’s own and others’ integrity.

But how do you know you can trust other people?  All people are trustworthy some of the time, and no-one is trustworthy all of the time!  It’s just the circumstances that determine the tipping point.  Can you trust your own heart, gut, destiny, life, karma, or whatever?  All beliefs and instincts are trustworthy some of the time and none are trustworthy all of the time.  It’s just the circumstances that determine the tipping point!

So perhaps trust is nothing more than a gambling chip for getting into the game of life?  What is for sure is that the more you trust – through each of the four steps – the more exciting and the more powerful your life will become.  Trust me!

Your own VitallyMe Personal Development Guide will help you discover why you experience difficulty with one or more of the ‘trust steps’, and what to do about it – www.vitallyme.com

Are you making a difference – or just taking up space?

The subject of making a difference has been popping up a lot lately – from the global ‘Occupy’ movement to local chats over coffee.  There seems to be a sense in some people that because they are not involved in some major cause, they don't really make much difference in any significant way.  So the question this week is “How can an ordinary person change the world?”

“Making a difference” is very much a contextual statement.  Eileen Caddy once wrote “that every grain of sand on the beach makes a difference and that every flower in the field has its place”.  But frankly that statement never did much for me personally.  A grain of sand doesn't make any difference – unless it’s the one in your eye!  A flower in the field doesn't make any difference – unless it’s the one you give your lover!  But they’re both the exceptions – the one in a million that stands out from the rest.  So I guess that all the other grains and all the other flowers are just taking up space? 

Perhaps it’s the difference that it makes to someone specific that counts?  There is probably not much doubt that you make a difference to your parents or to your children, simply because you are there – taking up space.  Personally, I never found much fulfilment in that realisation either.  Families just kind of ‘happen’ – with or without your intention to make a difference in the world.  Don't get me wrong here – it's great to feel appreciated – but being part of a family is dead centre ordinary.  Shouldn't making a difference involve some kind of noble quest?

I suspect that for most human beings a sense of making a difference needs to come from more than simply existing.  It seems to be our genes to want to make the world somehow better for our having passed through it.  And there seems to be so many people in the world who accomplished such big things – Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Anita Roddick or Nelson Mandela for instance – what can I possibly contribute compared to them?

 

It seems to me that those people didn't spend much time sitting around thinking about making a difference.  It seems to me that they were all busy being themselves – outrageously!

It seems to me that the difference between taking up space and making a difference in the world is simply giving full expression to who you are, rather than hiding away in comfortable, familiar places.  When was the last time you expressed yourself outrageously?  It's not about joining a protest movement, unless that is a true expression of who you are.  I agree with the sentiment behind the ‘Occupy’ movement – I think it identifies a symptom of what is seriously wrong with the state of today's world.  But the movement seems to rely a lot on the notion that taking up space makes a difference.   In New York they have been moved on with the statement “Now they will have to fill the space with the power of their argument.”  And it’s true!  Here’s hoping they find a clear collective voice for positive change – not simply complaining about the bad guys in powerful positions.  But hey, it’s a good start to a collective voice that could just trigger a general shift of consciousness.

According to Wikipedia, as of 16 February 2011, there were over 156 million public blogs in existence.  Internet statistics show that there were 2,095,006,005 internet users as of 31 March 2011.  That's about one blog for every 13 people on the planet with internet access!  That means either that there are a few people who do an awful lot of reading or a lot of people who do a little bit of reading – or a lot of blogs that go unread!  I suspect that what it really shows is that people are demonstrating a need to express themselves that is far greater than their need to read what others say – and that is a truly wonderful and evolutionary thing.  It's only through expression that one can get useful feedback that can ground one’s ideas in what is now a global reality.  As citizens of the planet we now have easily available technology to do that.

So, if you want to make a difference – to move from ordinary to extraordinary – don't just take up space – speak up.  Starting a blog is the easiest way to add your thoughts to the growing global consciousness.  And if more than 13 people read it you're making an above average difference!  And since you are almost certainly within the 20% of the population at the leading edge of consciousness evolution on the planet, that leaves 80% of the population who need to hear whatever you have to say about life – whatever is real for you.  Quote other people if they can articulate your thoughts better than you, but only quote what is a genuine expression of yourself – and add your own comments to it.   Leave comments on other’s blogs – that makes a difference.  Together we can begin to hear what our own collective voice is saying to us.

Certainly Steve Jobs did more than write a blog.  He expressed himself outrageously in words, he got lots of feedback, and more than a few followers to help him express himself outrageously in deeds that changed our world.  And so did Richard, and Anita, and Nelson and…

The only difference anyone can make in the world is the unselfish sharing of themselves – please give generously!

Your own VitallyMe Personal Development Guide will highlight the qualities that are uniquely and genuinely yours – the qualities you probably take for granted – the same qualities that really make a difference in the world!

How to fall in love with the person you married!

Remember the first time you fell in love – I mean really fell?  Did you count the minutes until you’d be with that person again?  Did you buy flowers or chocolates or champagne spontaneously?  Did your creativity blossom – through poetry, dance moves, or letters that you later regretted?

Through some miracle of genes, chemicals or perhaps the life force itself, you truly experienced what is known as “transpersonal love” – for a little while at least.  You loved them just for who they were, and they loved you in the same way.  It delivered energies of passion for sure, but also generally positive feelings that powered you through the day.  Remember how they hung on your every word, and how you really listened to them?  It's the stuff of romance novels and chick flicks – but both are signs of a desire for more of that magical state.

And so a serious relationship commenced – perhaps you moved in together and got married.  Perhaps your focus was on careers, or building a nest.  Perhaps your attention was distracted by children for 20 or 30 years!  However it happened for you, the everyday challenges of life demanded strong and resilient personality development, and you probably met those challenges head on.  The inevitable ego-on-ego relationship shifted your experience of love to something much more “grounded”.  No doubt you attracted a mate who in some way is your polar opposite, giving both of you the opportunity to grow and learn from one another.  The degree of polarisation and the joint willingness and ability to take up the growth opportunities, determined the course of the relationship. 

Of course you can reject the opportunity altogether and start again with someone else on a new and (apparently) different challenge!  But the point of this is, “What happens if you don't split up?”  You can either grow within the original challenge that your partner presents to you every day just by being themselves, or you can grow through therapy or a wide range of workshop experiences.  And the more you know about yourself, the easier it is to meet the challenge of partnership.

Every couple inevitably settles into ways of getting along with one another, (ideally) for mutual benefit.  If they successfully meet life's challenges for ego integration then they achieve the satisfaction of normalcy within society.  This is a kind of mutually interdependent-self relationship – it's reasonably comfortable, it's reasonably productive, and there is always some common interest that can be pursued together.  You know one another very well, you respect one another, you support one another's desires and aspirations, and you achieve things together.

Yet there is a very serious trap that lies hidden within that very success.  Life works reasonably well but the truth is that we can settle for a life that, while becoming more secure and predictable, actually reduces relationship to a series of shared, comfortable habits and routines.  The satisfaction in life that you have attained together gradually becomes less satisfying – not necessarily in quantity, but in quality.  For many people this is all that life is about – a kind of goal achieved – after which, having attained a certain objectivity about their life experiences, they retire and fade away.  But for others the “lack of satisfaction with satisfaction” demands that they continue on a longer, now spirit-centric journey.

With maturity and awareness, certain experiences guide the way: perhaps certain pieces of music; perhaps certain pieces of film or video; perhaps certain scenes from nature; perhaps certain types of story or poetry; perhaps certain types of spiritual practice – the common element being how far one can be absorbed into the experience – becoming one with the experience as it were.  This is not to be confused with a simple disassociation experience where one is simply “not present”.  This is the experience of being absolutely present, not as an observer but "as the experience itself".  As children we were naturally good at it, but we lacked the awareness to distinguish between that and the other reality.  And as an adult if you have ever truly fallen in love, then you have known the experience for that honeymoon period, but you probably still lacked the awareness and the skills to consciously create it.

But now, older and wiser, as you consciously explore those absorption experiences, and consciously allow the expansion beyond self, but fully inclusive of self, new skills and a whole new awareness begin to emerge.  For these are the transpersonal skills of “falling in love” consciously – of loving another person, or people, for no more reason than that they are who they are right now.  But it's not a passive or observer type experience any longer.  With it comes the spontaneity, the creativity, the physical energy and that old passion for whatever in life you choose to focus on.  A whole new world emerges – not simply a nostalgic recreation of the past.

So get yourself beyond your “satisfaction with satisfaction” – and you won't be able to help falling in love with that amazing person you married, all over again – and much, much more besides.

Perhaps this is your journey?

Your own VitallyMePersonal Development Guide will help you discover just what satisfactions you personally need to go beyond.  Nameste!

The Joy of Procrastination

I've been putting this off for some time – but today I’m going to do it – as soon as I tidy up a few little things – then I’ll be able to give it my full attention – no, really!

Isn't it amazing how having one really important thing to do can result in all those less important things suddenly jumping the priority queue?

So those really important items get crammed up against a deadline, we get all stressed about it, and we beat ourselves up at least as much as we expect someone else to beat us up for not delivering on time.

Is procrastination related to the observation that work always expands to fill the time available, plus a bit more? It’s as if there’s a self-adjusting pressure regulator – we need to feel a particular level of pressure before we can feel satisfied with a conclusion. Or is it just something that happens when your head says ‘do it’ but your heart’s not in it?

Procrastination can help us to feel busy, important, burdened, pressured, resentful, guilty, misunderstood, used, abused, rebellious, indispensable, and even powerful!  Yet some people can lie on the beach (or the couch) all day and do nothing.  For others (well me anyway), time out is a maintenance need that you can always put off for a bit longer!

Certainly, some of the best creativity I’ve seen only happens under pressure – pressure strong enough to generate ‘out of the box’ thinking.  Teams ‘get their acts together’ most effectively in times of crisis – and so managers often need to create the crisis to spark that forward movement.

So what is it about human nature that demands a certain pressure in order to bring out our best?  Without pressure do we revert to lizard consciousness?

I could come up with a number of tips for curing procrastination, such as ‘remove distractions’ – but I don’t feel like it right now – and anyway this blog isn’t due for couple of days yet!  But seriously, there’s little point in struggling with the effects if you don’t understand the cause – so let’s look deeper.

What are the typical things that you procrastinate over?  Housework; study requirements; work projects for your boss; making phone calls; getting out of bed; completing tax forms; ending a relationship; getting a job; projects for yourself; firing someone; asking for a date; facing conflict; delivering bad news; taking a holiday?  Identify your favourites here or add your own.

Now, what is the typical self-talk that you use around those items – ‘have to’; ‘must’; ‘they want me to’; ‘no choice’; ‘I’ll try to’; ‘I’m afraid to’?  Typically we see the pressure to perform as being external to us.  But whether external, internal, real or artificial, it is almost always emotional pressure. 

Could it be that procrastination gives us a sense that those external forces do not control us – at least during the period when we are actively procrastinating?  Perhaps I can hold on to the notion that I am a free agent in charge of my own destiny?  But as a deadline approaches the internal pressure may become the superior force and I get on with the task at hand only when the free agent fantasy is overwhelmed by the rising level of panic?

So let’s go still deeper… what are the feelings that underlie the self-talk – name them.  Are those feelings around being powerless or humiliated?  Or about feeling unappreciated or undervalued?  Or about feeling stupid or incapable?  Or about…?

Whatever those feelings and possibly even strong emotions – sure enough, they’re yours!  And there is your key to freedom.  The joy of procrastination is that it puts you right in touch with your very own personal emotional nature.  As a procrastinator you’re facilitating your own self-contained personal development workshop!

So acknowledge those feelings to yourself (they are longing to be acknowledged!), then choose to express them – or to indulge them – or not.  Procrastination is a flag being waved by those unacknowledged feelings – and they won’t go away without your attention.

When you examine those feelings it very likely you will discover that they are only vaguely related to the reality of the task at hand.  The task is simply reminding you of them and the low priority you have assigned to them.  Very often the energy that goes into resisting them is greater than the energy required to complete the task!

And where is the joy?  Well, by properly acknowledging those old negative feelings you can make room for the positive feelings that could come from mastering the task at hand with ease and grace.

That will allow your heart to get back into the game.  Don’t ever put that off!

What’s your experience?

Your own VitallyMe Personal Development Guide will also help you get your heart back into the game of life… www.vitallyme.com